In 1969, Merle Haggard’s first big hit was “Okie from Muskogee.” Conservatives loved it because it was an ode to traditional American values. Amidst the seemingly constant anti-war protests and big city riots, the song shot up to No. 1 on the country charts. Okie was so popular with middle America and rural voters that President Nixon invited Haggard to the White House.
I was listening to Okie the other night while downing shots of that horrible Jeremiah Weed whiskey, and it struck me that the song no longer represents the values of today’s conservatives. Here are some lines from that song and how I think today’s conservatives should rewrite the lyrics to reflect their values:
“We don’t smoke marijuana in Muskogee.” Suggested change: “Many of us smoke marijuana in Muskogee, but in spite of our claim to believe in states’ rights, we want the feds to keep it illegal so big pharma and distilleries can continue to make insane profits.”
“We don’t make a party out of lovin’, We like holdin’ hands and pitchin’ woo.” Suggested change: “We don’t make a party out of lovin’, except for adultery (Sen. John Ensign, Sen. David Vitter, Rep. Newt Gingrich, Rudy Giuliani, and Gov. Mark “I’m hiking the Appalachian Trail” Sanford), playing footsie with an undercover cop in an airport (Sen. Larry “Wide Stance” Craig), gay texting (Rep. Mark Foley), sexual harassment (Sen. Bob Packwood), and grabbing women by the pu#$%y. Those kinds of parties are OK.”
“We still wave Old Glory down at the courthouse.” Suggested change: “We wave the confederate flag down at the courthouse because it represents our racism and hatred for the Kenyan-born Muslim President intent on taking our guns and imposing Sharia Law. Even though we claim to believe in democracy, we’re going to secede from the union if we don’t get our way. The election is rigged. And tax cuts.”
“And the kids here still respect the college dean.” Suggested change: “Education is bad. We don’t need a bunch of smart people telling us what to do. Education is just lies put forth by the global elites and the New World Order. Global warming is a hoax.”
“We don’t burn our draft cards down on Main Street.” Suggested change: “The current system of sending young people, mostly from the lower rungs on the economic ladder, off to war, paying them a small amount, and then not funding the VA upon their return, is working well. Hell, I’d enlist myself, but I broke my little toe playing “kick the can” when I was a kid. We support our troops, unless they are Democrats such as John Kerry. His Silver Star, Bronze Star, and three Purple Hearts are all fake.”
Well, there you have it – an easy way to bring a classic country song up to date to reflect today’s conservative values.
By the way, by the time of his 1981 hit, “Rainbow Stew,” Merle Haggard was singing about peace, clean energy, and truth in government. In 2010, President Obama invited Haggard back to the White House. After meeting the President, Haggard said, “It’s really almost criminal what they do with our President. There seems to be no shame or anything. They call him all kinds of names all day long, saying he’s doing certain things that he’s not.”