Fellow Americans:

Following a recent incident in California, some Americans are again sewing the ugly seeds of discrimination in the fertile soil we have cultivated throughout our history. Discrimination against native Americans. Not that kind. No, the target of these unwarranted attacks is the native American mountain lion.

The pretext for this hate mongering was an incident in which two men attacked an un-armed mountain lion. Fearful for its life, and acting strictly in self-defense, the brave mountain lion fought back, but it was no match for the high-powered rifles of the cougar hating elites that put it down. As a result of this tragedy, an innocent lion cub lost its father. This cub, Seymour, was one of the lucky ones: his health care will be paid for by private donations. But there are thousands of other mountain lions who do not have health coverage or cannot obtain it because of preexisting conditions.

As general counsel for the ACLU (American Cougar and Lions Union) let me give you the facts about mountain lions. Mountain lions have always been peace-loving animals. When the pilgrims first landed on Plymouth Rock, the mountain lions taught them how to plant corn. The mountain lions taught them to hunt turkeys. The mountain lions taught them to make pumpkin pie.

But the white man was not content to live in peaceful coexistence with the mountain lion. As an ever-increasing number of colonists arrived, the white man began to push the mountain lions off their land. Rather than wage war with the white man, the mountain lions moved west of the Appalachians — to the unoccupied lands surrounding the Great Lakes. Many of them settled in and around the area we now call Detroit, which is why their football team is named the Detroit Lions.

As more and more people came to America, the poor mountain lions were pushed ever westward. Finally, the government placed these once proud creatures on reservations, though it is now more politically correct to refer to them as national parks or, worse, cougar enhanced areas.

Despite this cruel and unjustified treatment, the native American mountain lion has served bravely whenever America’s security has been threatened. Think about it. Why did Japan never attempt to invade the United States in World War II? That’s right — it was because of mountain lions. In fact, a Japanese spy was sent to assess a possible invasion. His message back to the emperor consisted of just three words: “Lots of lions!”

Is it not true that one well-placed mountain lion on the sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository could have prevented the assassination of President Kennedy? Think of the great mountain lions this country has produced over the years: The Pink Panther, Top Cat, Snagglepuss, and, of course, the Mercury Cougar.

The truth is that mountain lions perform a valuable service. Our population has increased by fifty million in the past thirty years. And still we hear the same old tired liberal arguments — it is “cruel” for mountain lions to hunt people. These idealists ignore the fact that we human beings would quickly overpopulate and starve to death if mountain lions were not allowed to maintain God’s delicate ecological balance by occasionally thinning our ranks. Yet, this is precisely the rationale these misguided people offer in support of the proposition that it is alright for men to hunt deer and other animals. And I say to you today that what is sauce for a man is sauce for mountain lion!

The native Americans knew well the importance of the mountain lion. In what may have been the best real estate deal ever, one tribe sold an island, which they knew was not inhabited by a single mountain lion, to a group of white settlers for $24.00. That would be more than six trillion dollars today. Now, more than two centuries later, this island is the congested metropolis we call New York City. The native Americans wisely invested the money in casinos, and they are still laughing.

I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment I have a dream. I have a dream that one day we will live in a nation where creatures will not be judged by the fur on their skin, but by the content of their character. This will be the day when all of God’s children will be able to sing with new meaning:

My country, ’tis of thee,

Sweet land of liberty,

Of thee I sing:

Land where my fathers died,

Land of the Pilgrim’s pride,

For every mountain lion,

Let freedom ring.

From the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire to the great Smokey Mountains of Tennessee, let lions roam. From the redwood forests of California to the Gulf Stream waters of Mississippi, let lions roam.

When we let lions roam, when let them roam in every village and hamlet, in every state and city, we will be able to speed up that day when of all of God’s children, man, mountain lion, skunk and porcupine, every creature (except for snakes) will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old spiritual, “Free at last! Free at last! Thank God almighty. Free at last!