Diversions Column

Nederland Mountain-Ear

Mark Cohen

Just Hear Me Out: Frozen Drag Queen Days

Frozen Dead Guy Days has bundled up its coffin and moved on up the road. If you’ve been around Nederland a while, it’s natural to grieve this loss. FDGD put Nederland on the world stage for a precious moment. It brought needed revenue to the town. And it was fun. But, as Heraclitus said, “All is flux.”

That said, the time for grieving is over. I’m tired of the never-ending despair and whining from some locals. It’s not the end of the world. Nederland residents: stop pitying yourselves. So what if you live in a place where the wind never stops, it’s colder than Marjorie Taylor Greene’s heart most of the time, and the festival that made our town famous has moved to a town known for elk poop, tourist trinkets, and traffic? We must pick ourselves up by our own white patent leather go-go boots and make the best of it. As Saddam Hussein said, “When one door closes, another door opens.”

And I’ve got just the idea to put Nederland back on the map in a way that will make everyone forget FDGD ever existed. Frozen Drag Queen Days – FDQD. Just hear me out.

Drag queens is now one of the most controversial topics in America. I don’t know why since the existence of drag queens has little impact on any issue of any importance to any American. You would think the Republicans, who claim to believe in limited government, would rejoice in the freedom the drag queens are attempting to enjoy. Especially since men wearing wigs drafted our Constitution. You would think Republicans would delight in all the revenue from drag shows trickling down to the less fortunate so we can build a wall to keep the mostly heterosexual Mexicans out. But here we are in an environment where forty percent of the voters believe drag queens pose a greater danger to America than Russia, China, Elon Musk, or even Pepsi. Why not take advantage of it?

Nederland must sponsor a Frozen Drag Queen Days festival, and Nederland must do it today. Instead of coffin races, drag queens from around the world will flock to Nederland to race across the ice in short skirts and heels. The frozen bra toss will be nationally televised. A Sugar Plum Fairy Dance on Saturday night. And kissing booths, of course. The most famous bands will be in our town. People will drink champagne that tastes just like cherry cola. C.O.L.A. cola. Maybe visitors could take in an old Steve Reeves movie. And the colored girls will say, “’Doo do doo do doo do do doo…”

And there will be a Walk on the Wild Side Fashion Show. Absolutely. Lots of beautiful contestants wearing high heel shoes and low-neck sweaters. Maybe even classes for the new drag queens so they don’t make rookie mistakes like wearing brown pumps with a red dress. For the love of God.

Let’s face it, the market for FDGD was always limited. A frozen dead guy was unique, but it was not controversial. It took a special type of person to appreciate the humor in daring to sponsor a festival celebrating a frozen dead guy. But drag queens is a much larger market. Studies indicate 3% to 5% of straight men crossdress. Add in the LGBT (or LGBTQIA) community, and you have got a lot of folks descending on Nederland with fabulous purses filled with money to spend in our town.

Tennessee or one of those dumb southern states recently enacted legislation banning some drag shows. The dumb states never learn. Colorado raked in $423 million in tax revenue from Marijuana while the hillbilly states that refuse to legalize marijuana continue to rank at the bottom in nearly every meaningful category, except incest. If the dumb states don’t want drag show revenue, let’s take it. Remove “Colorful Colorado” from our license plates and replace it with, “We don’t give a f&$ck what you wear.”

Well, I am not the world’s most passionate guy, but this is my vision. I’ve been thinking about this for some time, but feared some other mountain community would steal the idea, so I kept this uncomfortable idea the only place I could until the time was right. And now, Nederland, I give this idea to you. Pay it forward.