Sheriff’s Report – April 26, 2053
Reporting Deputy: Kim Jones
Deputies were dispatched early this morning to a remote location west of Left Hand Reservoir after hikers reported a dead body.
After grabbing some donuts in Nederland, Deputy Smith and I arrived on scene at 0835 and observed a 1967 Oldsmobile Vista Cruiser station wagon with a “F*&$%ck Trump” bumper sticker on it and expired plates.
After walking to the west of side of the reservoir, we identified an odor best described as a combination of cheap whiskey, bitterness, and jock itch. We then observed what appeared to be an elderly, deceased white male beneath some pine trees. The body was covered with abrasions, puncture wounds, and scratches. Further investigation revealed the corpse was dead.
Deputy Smith retrieved the deceased’s wallet from his jacket and found an expired driver’s license issued to Mark Cohen (DOB 5/21/58). The license had expired eight years ago. Except for the abrasions, puncture wounds, and scratches, the photo on the driver’s license appeared to be a photo of the deceased.
I searched the deceased’s pockets and prepared an inventory:
1. Wallet with $8.32 in it and seventeen credit cards, along with some business cards identifying the deceased as the Consul General of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.
2. Set of car keys, including a key to the aforementioned Oldsmobile.
3. Small plastic container of edibles purporting to be a strawberry margarita flavored, fast acting variety, each gummy containing 10 mg of THC and 10 mg of CBD.
4. 1 battery power hair clippers
5. Three XXL condoms (ribbed).
Deputy Smith and I then reconnoitered the area to look for signs of foul play. I then heard Deputy Smith shout, “Holy Mary mother of freaking God in a chicken basket,” or words to that effect. I ran to Deputy Smith’s location and observed what appeared to be an adult deceased male bear weighing approximately six hundred pounds. There were six half-eaten edibles beside the bear. The bear’s body was covered with abrasions, puncture wounds, and scratches. Further investigation confirmed the bear was dead.
It appeared Cohen, having consumed an unknown quantity of edibles, had attempted to use the aforementioned hair clippers to carve “F*&$%ck Trump” into the bear’s torso, and a fight had ensued. Deputy Smith phoned the Division of Wildlife regarding the deceased bear. We loaded Cohen’s body into a standard body bag, then returned to Nederland for more donuts.
Status: Case closed. Nobody was alive to charge with a crime. The fight was a draw.