Tired of long hours and low pay? Fed up with unappreciative bosses? Set yourself free and become a coach. Coaching is where others pay you for your advice. But, unlike psychiatry, psychology, and counseling, coaching is unregulated. You don’t need a degree. Being a coach requires no training, but if you want coach training, there are coaches that will coach you on how to be a coach. For a fee.

I was scrolling through Instagram just now and saw a sponsored post promoting a female coach claiming to be a narcissistic abuse survivors coach. Let’s set to one side the fact that my life is so boring that I actually notice things on Instagram and sometimes even think and write about them. And let’s set to the other side the possibility that this coach has borderline personality disorder and has labeled the last seven men to leave her narcissists. Let’s assume, just for the sake of TaB cola and all else that is holy, that this coach had been in a long-term relationship with a man that a qualified psychiatrist or psychologist diagnosed as suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. Let’s give her that.

That’s it. That’s her qualification to be a coach. She doesn’t need to know anything about her client’s own mental or physical health. (Coaches can’t call the people that pay them “patients” because the licensing authorities frown on that, so coaches call the people that pay them “clients”). Other women pay this coach to confirm their beliefs that all the men in their past were narcissists, even though only 0.5% of the population suffers from narcissistic personality disorder.

And let me be clear, I’m not picking on female coaches. Because that’s not me. I am as much of a feminist, or more, as my brother, Roy Jhciacb Cohen, and he’s a feminist. We were feminists back when there were only two genders. As I continued my Instagram scrolling, I found a male coach offering to teach “clients” the secrets of securing female companionship by understanding “the female nature.” As if all women are the same and there is some universal “nature” they all share. What were this man’s qualifications? He got laid a few times by pretending to be someone he was not. If you’re going to be a coach, it helps to tell potential clients there are “secrets” that will help them find happiness. Secrets only you know.

Coaching is a wonderful job because you are your own boss. It’s almost impossible to get in trouble as a coach, as long as you don’t let your clients see you doing anything unusual during your Zoom meetings. (As a lawyer, my advice is keep the video off if you have any doubt what you may want to do while you are coaching someone. Your clients will still benefit from the audio coaching).

Coaching also offers tax benefits. Suddenly, the cell phone you scroll through endlessly becomes a deductible business expense. I wouldn’t be surprised if the man coaching other men on the “secrets” of finding female companionship is deducting his condoms as a business expense. I, as a professional journalist, will not speculate on the size of those condoms.

From my limited research, a successful coach often concocts a pattern. A pattern of abuse. A pattern of beliefs. A pattern of behaviors. And a really successful coach sometimes combines those patterns into a syndrome. A coach can charge more for coaching people suffering from a syndrome. A syndrome established by their patterns.

And guess what? People will gladly pay coaches to slap a syndrome label on them. Because if you have a label, you have an identity. A brand. Maybe not a very good brand – maybe a brand that triggers feelings of disgust in most people. Like the Trump brand, for example. But at least a brand you can hang onto as you attempt to hide from your existential angst.

Not all coaches specialize. You don’t have to recognize patterns or establish syndromes if that’s not your thing. You can just be a life coach, if you want. The only required qualification is that you are alive and have some experience with that. And that you were smart enough to quit your job and convince others to pay you to tell them your stories and how they should be more like you.

You can earn good money coaching. Want to earn more? After you create a syndrome, register it as federal trademark. For example, Survivors of Parents that Fought Like Rabid Pine Martens Syndrome.® Then, here’s the really beauty of it, you can license others to use your trademark for a fee. But they must first pay you to become a Certified Survivors of Parents that Fought Like Rabid Pine Martens Syndrome Coach.® Trademark that, too.

Now, before the tsunami of kale and tofu comes down upon me, I acknowledge that coaching can be a legitimate profession. My brother is a personal trainer. And he’s trained some famous people. (Did I mention that he is a feminist?). I have a boxing coach, Dave at Front Range Boxing. Dave earned a Master’s degree in philosophy, by the way. There are plenty of people offering legitimate coaching services that genuinely benefit others. But it is unregulated. And there are some charlatans out there.

Please direct all hate mail to the Mountain-Ear. It will get to me. Don’t try to find me and take vengeance on your own. You will fail. Unless you earn the coveted Find Mark Cohen and Take Vengeance on Him Certification.® Only I know the secrets. For pricing, contact me at FMCATVOH.com.